艾梅特出國英語培訓 AMET English Training

劍橋雅思7官方範文解析(2)

下面我們一起來看一下劍7中所附的一篇7分的移民類大作文範文。首先我們一起來看一下文章的結構，然後我們交叉參考一下考官給出的評語。
In big business cities there are two options available for the type of accommodation: houses and apartments
（描述問題的普及性，引出話題）
Some people prefer to live in apartments and some like to live in houses（給出公寓/房子兩個觀點）
 
 
In big business cities, where almost everyone is going out daily for work or study, apartments provide a much more comfortable and safe way of living. （給出觀點一：公寓可以提供更多的舒適與安全。從句的使用）
 
The advantages include the fact that there is one key and lock they have to take care of, and also the sense of being a part of a big family. (具體化觀點。體現安全與舒適。that從句的使用，連詞and also的使用）
 
Usually a guard sits at the main gate, so  children can play around in the compund with their next door friends.（例證支持“安全”。連詞so的使用。詞匯，compound-住宅)
In addition, not much daily cleaning is required in apartments as no staircase have to be clean, which is a difficult task-all house wives know it very well（遞進例證舒適，不用打掃。clean的被動語態使用錯誤，連詞in addition用得有些機械，非限定狀語從句的使用）
But a key advantage is that it is safe to go on voccation for a long trip.（遞進例證安全。轉折連詞用得過於機械。vacation拼寫錯誤.。go for a long trip on vacation 會稍好一些）
 
On the other hand, houses have their own attraction for its inhabitants.（轉折，描述房子的好處。詞匯，inhabitants）
Garden lovers usually prefere houses as they can have their own garden.（房子的優勢之一：針對園藝愛好者。prefer的拼寫錯誤）
It is also easy to keep a pet, especially a dog in a house because dog can play around the garden.（例證上面論點）
If someone is interested in maintaing cars himself, it can only be possible in housese where one can have his own garage（假設例證繼續論證上面論點。maintaining拼寫錯誤）
 
Where people are sometimes much more concerned about their privacy, living in apartments can be a very difficult for them. （轉向描述公寓的缺點。復雜句式。can be a very difficult 語法錯誤。改為can be very difficult略好）
It may also be the case that someone is not able to deal with other people, for instance next door neighboures, and than house can be a best choice for such people.（假設例證反證房子的私密性好。neighbours, then拼寫錯誤）
 
However, sometimes housese can be a bad choice for low income people. （轉折描述房子的缺點：貴！)
Maintaing a big house and running it properly can be a problem for such cases（例證支持上述觀點。動名次作主語，maintaining拼寫錯誤）
 
At the end I must say both options can be good or bad, depending on the personal considerations. （總結表示兩者都各有利弊，因人而異）
But from my point of view, I must say apartments seem a gift of modern way of life which is not common in my home town.（給出個人觀點，seems to be會好一些。which應該改為that）
 
結構方面：
開頭段：人們面臨兩個選擇
第一段：對於工作的人來講，公寓略有吸引力
              優點一是安全
              有守衛，所以小孩可以玩耍
              不用打掃，家庭主婦開心
              出遠門可以放心
 
第二段：另外，房子也有好處
              園藝愛好者喜歡
              養寵物好
              喜歡修車的人適合
 
第三段：但是，對於看重私密性的人，公寓不好
              對於不善交際的人，房子好
 
第四段：但是，對於收入低的人，房子不好
              保養房子會使很大的財務負擔
 
總結段：最終，我覺得要引人而定孰好孰壞
              但我個人來說，我的家鄉住公寓象征著現代生活方式。
 
註：本片文章的語法詞匯並沒有很出彩（比較小湯的上一片劍7範文解析），連詞的使用依然是重點。兩個觀點都有涉及到（房子/公寓）滿足了題目的要求（如果只寫公寓的好處壞處，就不是比較類的題目，分數有可能受影響）。每段的觀點實際上重復性比較大，但是因為作者的書寫是針對不同的人些不同的感受，所以可以看成是例證支持。這樣子的話觀點重復性就被掩蓋了起來（同小湯的寫作課所講：事情的好壞是針對不同的人來因人而定），且顯得多樣性。